This Wednesday, February 27th, was supposed to be our due date for our sweet little Taylor. I have found myself feeling kind of like an emotional hurricane the past few days. I have several friends who have had babies in the past week and it just makes my heart full of delight to see the miracles of life that have come into this world. But at the same time, I find my heart heavy, knowing that if what could have been had actually happened, we would be very close to holding our new sweet little baby. It's just so hard to face the reality that we did suffer a loss and that that loss still hurts.
But at the same time, we have this new beautiful little miracle that is growing and getting bigger every single day. THIS little miracle is almost 13 weeks along and has the strongest, most adorable heartbeat you have ever heard. I indulged and bought myself a fetal doppler so that I could have some peace of mind. I find myself sitting alone, listening to my baby, praying, and thanking God for this little symbol of joy that will be gracing our presence in September. The other day, I even heard hiccups!! I mean, how stinkin' cute is that??
But as a mother I'm struggling right now. I look at Cameron and see the most precious little boy in the entire world, who I couldn't imagine ever living my life without. He brings me joy like nobody else ever could and he has the most contagious laugh you have ever heard. He's funny, he's silly, he's snuggly and he's the best little buddy I could ever ask for. My love for him is greater and more amazing than any love I have ever know in this life. Because of the love that I have for him, I'm already so in love with this baby that I am carrying, because I know the joy that she (or he) is going to bring into our lives as well. But I struggle because I also had that love for my little Taylor.
When we first had our miscarriage, I said that the biggest thing that would bother me is if everyone forgot what we went through, and forgot about Taylor. That hasn't happened at all, and I'm thankful for my friends who continue to pray for us and remember us often. I have been so very blessed in that capacity and I am forever grateful.
I am so thankful to be pregnant, even through the morning sickness (which I still have by the way) and I cannot wait until September to look this sweet baby in the face and fall in love just like I did with Cameron. But this week is bittersweet. If you get a chance this week, say a prayer for us. I thank God for Taylor every single day because I still consider her one of the most precious gifts I have ever received. Without our loss, as painful as it was and still is, we wouldn't be expecting this new baby.
On March 15 we are scheduled for our next ultrasound and we will get to find out what we are having!! I am so excited and filled with joy for this new life and I just feel grateful. My heart is heavy, but it's happy and that is a long, long way from where I was in August of last year. Thank you all so much for your thoughts, your prayers, your love and your support. I cannot wait to share more with you as Baby W grows throughout this pregnancy. Blessings <><
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