This Wednesday, February 27th, was supposed to be our due date for our sweet little Taylor. I have found myself feeling kind of like an emotional hurricane the past few days. I have several friends who have had babies in the past week and it just makes my heart full of delight to see the miracles of life that have come into this world. But at the same time, I find my heart heavy, knowing that if what could have been had actually happened, we would be very close to holding our new sweet little baby. It's just so hard to face the reality that we did suffer a loss and that that loss still hurts.
But at the same time, we have this new beautiful little miracle that is growing and getting bigger every single day. THIS little miracle is almost 13 weeks along and has the strongest, most adorable heartbeat you have ever heard. I indulged and bought myself a fetal doppler so that I could have some peace of mind. I find myself sitting alone, listening to my baby, praying, and thanking God for this little symbol of joy that will be gracing our presence in September. The other day, I even heard hiccups!! I mean, how stinkin' cute is that??
But as a mother I'm struggling right now. I look at Cameron and see the most precious little boy in the entire world, who I couldn't imagine ever living my life without. He brings me joy like nobody else ever could and he has the most contagious laugh you have ever heard. He's funny, he's silly, he's snuggly and he's the best little buddy I could ever ask for. My love for him is greater and more amazing than any love I have ever know in this life. Because of the love that I have for him, I'm already so in love with this baby that I am carrying, because I know the joy that she (or he) is going to bring into our lives as well. But I struggle because I also had that love for my little Taylor.
When we first had our miscarriage, I said that the biggest thing that would bother me is if everyone forgot what we went through, and forgot about Taylor. That hasn't happened at all, and I'm thankful for my friends who continue to pray for us and remember us often. I have been so very blessed in that capacity and I am forever grateful.
I am so thankful to be pregnant, even through the morning sickness (which I still have by the way) and I cannot wait until September to look this sweet baby in the face and fall in love just like I did with Cameron. But this week is bittersweet. If you get a chance this week, say a prayer for us. I thank God for Taylor every single day because I still consider her one of the most precious gifts I have ever received. Without our loss, as painful as it was and still is, we wouldn't be expecting this new baby.
On March 15 we are scheduled for our next ultrasound and we will get to find out what we are having!! I am so excited and filled with joy for this new life and I just feel grateful. My heart is heavy, but it's happy and that is a long, long way from where I was in August of last year. Thank you all so much for your thoughts, your prayers, your love and your support. I cannot wait to share more with you as Baby W grows throughout this pregnancy. Blessings <><
Monday, February 25, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
The Hymn of Promise
I haven't written in a very long time, and I've honestly missed writing on here. Things have been incredibly busy. Ordination papers are due in less than two weeks. I have a pastor profile to complete, and a million things going on as the season of Lent approaches. It is simply a busy season.
After our miscarriage last year, things seemed impossible. The hope of having another baby was filled with question. Would we ever get pregnant again, and if we did, would everything be okay? I was scared and I don't know if I've ever prayed so much in my life as I have since August 8, 2012. The day that we found out about our miscarriage was the worst day of my life. But in the midst of it I honestly believed that the loss of our sweet Taylor was not in vain.
I heard so many stories from friends who I didn't even know had miscarriages, who told me that as soon as they had their next pregnancy and held that precious child they knew they wouldn't trade them for anything. I know that I would never have traded Taylor for anything in the world. But, I do believe, and I had to believe that some good would come out of it. That if we hadn't lost that precious baby, we wouldn't have this other baby who means the world to us.
On miscarriage support boards there is this common term, "Rainbow Baby." It comes from the same understanding of the rainbow that we get from Noah's ark, that after the flood, after the disaster, after the terror, comes a promise that things are going to be okay. A "Rainbow Baby" is a baby that comes after the miscarriage, the baby that is a sign of promise and hope for parents who have suffered a loss.
On December 21st, I woke up with a "hunch" and took a pregnancy test. I had been praying so much, and all I could say over and over again was that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was to find out that we were pregnant.
After three ultrasounds we can confirm that baby is growing and the heart rate is increasing and baby looks great. We are over 9 weeks pregnant and so close to being out of the first trimester. At our last ultrasound Baby W was wiggling all over the place and had a beautiful 171 bpm just ticking away.
I am already so in love, and so happy and so overwhelmed at this promise. I think of Taylor Ashley Wittman every single day and what a wonderful blessing she was in this world, even if I was the only one who really knew her. I also can't help but think now that without Taylor and the pain that we went through, we would never be looking at this beautiful ultrasound of this Rainbow Baby.
One of my favorite hymns is the "Hymn of Promise". It is a song that reminds us that the biggest blessings are hidden in tiny places and only God knows what is going to happen. In all of my doubt and fear and crying, God knew that this baby was coming to us, and that this baby was our hidden blessing.
Boy or Girl? I have no idea, and honestly I would be completely happy either way. Although, I truly can't wait to find out! We still have a very long way to go, but I have never felt more sure about anything than I have about the fact that this baby is going to be okay and by September we will be holding this sweet little miracle and wondering how the time passed by so quickly.
Promises are hidden in tiny and unusual places, and sometimes it seems like the waiting is going to kill us, but what we find on the other side is a blessing from God far greater than what we could have imagined for ourselves. I cannot wait to meet this precious gift, and as our pregnancy continues I can't wait to share more with all of you.
Blessings <><
After our miscarriage last year, things seemed impossible. The hope of having another baby was filled with question. Would we ever get pregnant again, and if we did, would everything be okay? I was scared and I don't know if I've ever prayed so much in my life as I have since August 8, 2012. The day that we found out about our miscarriage was the worst day of my life. But in the midst of it I honestly believed that the loss of our sweet Taylor was not in vain.
I heard so many stories from friends who I didn't even know had miscarriages, who told me that as soon as they had their next pregnancy and held that precious child they knew they wouldn't trade them for anything. I know that I would never have traded Taylor for anything in the world. But, I do believe, and I had to believe that some good would come out of it. That if we hadn't lost that precious baby, we wouldn't have this other baby who means the world to us.
On miscarriage support boards there is this common term, "Rainbow Baby." It comes from the same understanding of the rainbow that we get from Noah's ark, that after the flood, after the disaster, after the terror, comes a promise that things are going to be okay. A "Rainbow Baby" is a baby that comes after the miscarriage, the baby that is a sign of promise and hope for parents who have suffered a loss.
This brings me to the best news ever. Our Rainbow Baby:
On December 21st, I woke up with a "hunch" and took a pregnancy test. I had been praying so much, and all I could say over and over again was that the only thing I wanted for Christmas was to find out that we were pregnant.
After three ultrasounds we can confirm that baby is growing and the heart rate is increasing and baby looks great. We are over 9 weeks pregnant and so close to being out of the first trimester. At our last ultrasound Baby W was wiggling all over the place and had a beautiful 171 bpm just ticking away.
I am already so in love, and so happy and so overwhelmed at this promise. I think of Taylor Ashley Wittman every single day and what a wonderful blessing she was in this world, even if I was the only one who really knew her. I also can't help but think now that without Taylor and the pain that we went through, we would never be looking at this beautiful ultrasound of this Rainbow Baby.
One of my favorite hymns is the "Hymn of Promise". It is a song that reminds us that the biggest blessings are hidden in tiny places and only God knows what is going to happen. In all of my doubt and fear and crying, God knew that this baby was coming to us, and that this baby was our hidden blessing.
Boy or Girl? I have no idea, and honestly I would be completely happy either way. Although, I truly can't wait to find out! We still have a very long way to go, but I have never felt more sure about anything than I have about the fact that this baby is going to be okay and by September we will be holding this sweet little miracle and wondering how the time passed by so quickly.
Promises are hidden in tiny and unusual places, and sometimes it seems like the waiting is going to kill us, but what we find on the other side is a blessing from God far greater than what we could have imagined for ourselves. I cannot wait to meet this precious gift, and as our pregnancy continues I can't wait to share more with all of you.
Blessings <><
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