Overwhelmed By Love

A few short days ago, I got the worst news I could possibly imagine, that we had lost our baby.  11 weeks we had spent in glorious anticipation of the life that was to be, not including the time we spent dreaming of our baby before we even got pregnant.  All of that excitement was gone, ripped from us without a moment to even catch our breath or process what was happening.

The past week has been awful.  Every time I start to think I'm okay, the world just stops turning again, and I have to pause to try to take it all in.  But in the midst of that we realized we have something that most people spend their whole lives searching for...

We have love.  And I don't mean that in a hokey rainbows, unicorns and butterflies sort of way.  I mean, we are genuinely loved.  And I have never felt that so much in my life as I have felt it in the past week.  We are loved.  Nathan, Cameron and I have been so blessed by phone calls, cards, emails, text messages, flowers.  I just feel overwhelmed.

I posted the news on Facebook and within a few hours I had over 100 comments.  I have received over 200 messages and emails from people I have known forever, and some people who I have never even met.  I have read stories from friends who have gone through similar experiences.  I haven't had time to respond to all of them yet but I am working really hard to make sure that I do.

I can't put into words how much it has helped.  Every story is different.  I have dear friends who have had four or five miscarriages and never told anyone outside of their families, yet they shared it with me.  I have friends who lost babies at the same point we did, just at a time when you think you are safe.  Most of those friends went on to have healthy babies within a year of their loss.  I know that we aren't necessarily guaranteed to have the same outcome, but it gives me SO much hope to know that it is possible, that we aren't doomed to never having another baby.  Although, I've also had friends who had the same problem and went on to adopt a child who they could never dream of living without.

Every story is different and yet all of them give me hope.

I was really unsure about being so outspoken about our news and sharing what we had been through.  But now, I'm so glad that I did.  The pain hasn't gone away at all, and honestly I don't think that it will. And in a weird way, I'm okay with that.  Nathan said the most beautiful thing to me the other day (it's incredible how good he is with words).  He said that the pain, as awful as it is, is a way of carrying Taylor with us.  Maybe those words sound crazy written down, but I felt real comfort in them.  That it's a way of holding on to someone I will always love with all of my heart, even though the rest of the world never knew her.

But even with all that pain, I find myself searching for joy in my life.  I'm taking more time to notice what's good instead of being so complacent all the time.  I still cry myself to sleep every night, and I imagine that will last for a while.  But the first thing I wake up to every morning is the love of my life (Nathan, duh) and the sweetest, most adorable little boy God could have ever blessed me with.

That is awesome.  And that alone makes me realize just how blessed I really am.  And yet the blessings don't end there.  I have a wonderful family.  On both sides.  My parents have sent cards and flowers and they call every chance they get to make sure that we are okay.  They even made sure that we were able to go out as a family and have some time together.  Nathan's parents have been wonderful too, making chicken noodle soup when it was 95 degrees outside because it was the only food that sounded good to me.  I've already mentioned all of our friends, but some have been especially wonderful.  They know who they are, but I have to mention especially Casey, a close friend from Duke, and Stephanie, my Kappa Delta little sister.  They may not know it, but their words of encouragement have stuck with me so much over the past few days and I don't know what I would do without them.

I feel loved.  I really genuinely do.

This whole message today has been about blessings, but as I said in my last post I would close with a special blessing.  Today I have two.

The first may not sound like a blessing, but it's so funny that I had to share it as one anyway.  This morning I woke up to find a naked Cameron covered in poop, and playing with it.  His bed was covered, his sheets were covered, his teddy bear was covered, and yes, HE was covered.  I have never given him a bath so quickly as I did this morning.  I list this as a blessing because even though it was a mess, I'm thankful to have a crazy child who keeps me on my toes, who keeps me humble, and who reminds me to always expect the unexpected.

My other blessing is really random, but it's one that I'll share anyway.  I got a bird.  His name is Jimmy Buffett.  And Yes, I know you aren't supposed to make commitments in emotional times.  However, it was something that I had been thinking about for a while.  And honestly, why not?  Cameron loves him, I love him, and I think even Nathan loves him.  He sings every time he hears Cameron laugh, and the combination of all that happiness in my house the past few days has been really awesome, and genuinely good for my soul.  So I have no shame in my emotional purchase.




Thank you to all of you, who have supported us who have prayed for us, who have thought of us, who have encouraged us and who have loved us.  I truly am overwhelmed and so, so, very blessed.