I didn't expect this to be easy. I really didn't. But I had no idea the emotional and physical strain that a miscarriage really takes out on a person, and if you haven't been through it before, you have NO idea what to expect. We went to UNC women's hospital yesterday because of a little scare that I had. A week after the miscarriage I was still having a lot of pain and I wasn't sure what was normal and what wasn't. It turned out that everything was okay. I hated having to go back to the place where we found out about our miscarriage, but I ended up getting some much needed answers and responses to what exactly had happened. I had spent the past week worrying about things that I didn't need to worry about. I was terrified that things were wrong that weren't really wrong. I was terrified that I would never be able to have children again.
But our doctor was wonderful. Dr. Mercier at UNC hospital is one of the nicest, most compassionate doctors I have ever experienced. She sat next to me in the chair with her arm around me and let me cry. She assured me that I was healthy, that the chances of us going through this same thing again are so slim. She told me that we had a really good chance of getting pregnant again and having a totally healthy pregnancy. And the biggest reason she could assure me of that is because we have Cameron, proof that we are capable of not just having children, but making really FREAKING cute children.
She listened as I listed all the reasons that I was scared, anxious, and nervous. She didn't rush me, she just let me talk. By the way, I should also mention that this appointment happened at 3:30 when she was supposed to be off by 3. She may have been a doctor, but yesterday she was a minister, and I'm very thankful for that last minute appointment.
I share all this not to say that we are ready to try right away to get pregnant. I need some time, Nathan needs some time, and I think that my body would really appreciate some healing time. However, it's really nice to have a renewed sense of hope. I will always, always, always, love and miss my Taylor Ashley Wittman. I will always think of her. I dread February 27, the day that she was due, because I know it's going to hurt like crazy. But I do find peace in knowing this isn't our last chance.
People keep telling us that they are praying, and I believe wholeheartedly that they really are. In the past few days I have had this great sense of peace, and I can't help but think that it's a God thing. That all of those prayers are being answered and God is helping us to find rest, and assurance. I just genuinely feel like things are going to be okay. Right now, my heart hurts like crazy, but I know that one day, things are going to be okay.
The sucky part about yesterday is that I WAS told that I had to take another dose of cytotec, just to make sure that the miscarriage is complete. It's not fun (obviously), it's painful, and it's turning me into an emotional wreck. But the good news is that soon, the physical part of all of this will be over. My heart will always have a little Taylor sized whole (yes I know that's really corny and cliche, but I mean it), but I'm ready for this pain to be over with.
I do have a few blessings to share today...
1. Back to work. I love my job. I really really really love my job. But I was dreading going back to work. Not because I don't want to work, but because I was so afraid that I would just break down if someone asked me how I was. I have to say, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I came to the office and there were cards waiting for me. Every person who walked into my office yesterday and today gave me a hug and told me they were praying for me. It didn't make me feel overwhelmed. It just made me feel loved, and that was a good feeling.
2. Random acts of kindness. Today a family from my church dropped by an apple crisp (one of my favorite desserts). We have gotten tons of desserts and cakes, and I'm ashamed to tell you how much I have eaten of them all by myself. The best part, though, was that their daughter, Anna, who is super adorable, made me a card with a picture she had drawn of herself and her dog. I loved it, and I'll probably be hanging it on my office door.
3. Flowers on my desk. I guess this could be tied in to the first one. The prayer team at our church takes flowers to all of our shut-ins each week. Hope and I are pretty lucky because we always end up with flowers on our desks as well. They are beautiful, and they are a nice little piece of sunshine in our offices. This week, however, I had a vase full of daisies. And not just any daisies, but white and pink daisies... my absolute favorites.
4. ... I saved the best for last. My 13 month old baby boy (yes I know he's technically a toddler and not a baby) has finally started walking. He's been cruising forever and holding on to the furniture to get around. But this week, we have finally gotten him to start walking. He won't walk to Nathan or to me, but he WILL walk to his favorite toy. We hold it up in the air, let Cameron go, and he'll take three or four steps to get to it. It's adorable! It's another sign that my child is getting more independent (sad face) but I am so proud of him. I can't wait to finally catch it on camera so I can share his cuteness with the world.
Thank you friends, for all of your love and support. Please keep those prayers coming! They really are making a difference.
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